Communication Crisis Control for Surrogates: Part One

So here is the crash course in dealing with intended parents who are acting out of control. Just who says they are out of control? You do. or your significant other does. or your clinic, attorney or best friend says it...out loud and many times over "Your IP's are OUT OF CONTROL!" What does this mean? First lets have some IP back ground that may shed some light on this type of behavior: Most IP's (and I will just refer to the heterosexual couples here for now) have been trying for YEARS to have a baby. They have tried naturally, IUI, IVF, GIFT and ZIFT. Infertility Answers, LLC - What are GIFT and ZIFT? Perhaps they even managed to get pregnant, several times, but miscarried or had a stillbirth or gave birth to a baby who only lived hours because of birth defects....maybe a disease is involved such as cancer or endometriosis. Whatever the case, they have been through a hell of a lot to bring them to trusting some other woman to carry their baby. Try as some might, giving up that control is near impossible. Being able to communicate with you whenever they want is a form of control.

This can go two ways: IP's who rarely contact you and are standoffish and seem to be treating the surrogacy like a business deal OR they are all over you relentlessly, into every corner of your life. Today we are talking about the 2nd scenario. 3 months Pregnant you....tired...stressed...sick...3 of your own kids...perhaps a job...husband...life in general and a surrogacy. Your Intended Parents....Job...and pregnant YOU! (which causes them sleepless nights, stress, and anxiety) They call, e-mail and text. When they don't hear from you in 15 minutes they worry. If they don't hear from you in 24 hours they are calling the agency and attorneys office begging someone to find you! Maybe you skipped the country! (leaving those pesky kids and husband behind!!) This is where you need to get back your life...and fast. My first suggestion is that you acknowledge why these people are the way they are. In doing that you look at this behavior in a more sympathetic way so that when you talk to them your voice conveys that you UNDERSTAND that they are stressed. Because you want to be available to them but NOT 24/7, you need to set up the guidelines for communication. Suggest that you talk one hour a week...say Thursday nights at 8:30 PM after the kids are in bed. Don't miss a call! Also add that you will call them after each appointment with the OB's office or Ultra Sound visit (given that they are not there for the appointment) Reassure them that you will call at the first sign of any problem related to the pregnancy. If you are going to be out of town, provide them with your schedule. I know you are thinking that its none of THEIR business if you go out of town or not however if you were taking care of their 2 year old and took HER out of town they would have every right to know...well its the same thing with you being pregnant with their child. It reassures them that you care about their feelings and acknowledge that this is their pregnancy just as much as it is yours. If they still call at any other time than what was set up and don't have any important information to pass along to you just state that you are busy at the moment and that you will talk to them on Thursday unless they need to change the day or time for some reason.
This may not solve all your problems but it should alleviate the communication issues. Managing your relationship with your IP's now will, hopefully, allow you to have a good solid relationship with them throughout the pregnancy and beyond.

Kittah In my Suitcase

I'm off to NYC, look what I found.

Rejection: Why some women are unqualified to become surrogate mothers

Rejection is a harsh word and a harsh reality. No one likes to be rejected especially when trying to help someone else. As painful as rejection can be, in the case of choosing the best candidates to become Surrogate Mothers or Gestational Carriers, it is a necessary evil for any professional in the ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) feild.
The reasons mostly found in the majority of women who did not qualify for a surrogacy program were emotional or mental issues. Some of these women were mostly "in it" for the money. Others seem immature, unstable or even irresponsible and dishonest. Some seemed like they might have issues giving up any baby that they carried for another couple. Others were already having issues with their own lives that would make it difficult to devote the time and energy to a surrogacy arrangement. Some examples of these situations were divorce, loss of a job, death in the family, or financial crisis. Lastly, some women may think that having a baby for another family would resolve a personal crisis that they have dealt with in their past such as putting their own baby up for adoption.
The reason I am writing about this topic is that all surrogacy agencies have the responsibility to screen their applicants and it's really important that a psychologist or other mental health professional have a session or two with each candidate. If you have been rejected as a potential surrogate (or egg donor) candidate for an ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) program that isn't to say at some point in the future, when your own personal issues have been resolved, that you can't apply again.
Sharon
www.InfertilityAnswers.org

Windy City

Landed in Chicago.

What is Implantation Bleeding?

I hear this question again and again and there are several places on the web that offer pretty much the same answer I have pasted below. I have always been upset with RE's and their nurses for not warning Surrogates or anyone going through IVF that implantation bleeding may happen...this bleeding can occur even while becoming pregnant naturally. I hope that this calms some fears!
Sharon
www.infertiliyAnswers.net
What is Implantation Bleeding?
If you are trying to get pregnant, you may hear about implantation bleeding. The term implantation bleeding implies that you would see the amount of blood that you typically see with your period, but this generally isn't the case when you are experiencing implantation. Implantation bleeding occurs when an egg has been fertilized and implants into the lining of the uterus. Because the lining uterus is made up of blood, there can be a bit of blood expelled in some women.
Implantation will appear before you expect your period and many people mistaken it for spotting before their period begins. As mentioned before, most women do not experience a full on bleeding with implantation. Instead, they may experience a bit of spotting in their panties or even some pinkish or brown discharge. This usually is usually not a flowing type of blood, so if that is what you are experiencing it might be better to assume that you have your period. If you happen to get a positive pregnancy test and you are experiencing a flow of blood you might want to get in touch with your doctor to ensure that all is well.
Because there is typically so little and it is before you would expect your period it would be normal to think you are just getting ready to start your period. But, if you are attempting to get pregnant and you know that you ovulated and you had sex around that time it might be a good indication that you are in fact pregnant. Of course, you can't confirm pregnancy with the presence of a bit of blood, but it may be a very good indication that you'll get a positive pregnancy test in the very near future.
It's important to remember that you will usually experience implantation a week or more before you would expect your period, depending on when you ovulate. Also, if you don't happen to see any spotting around this time you shouldn't assume that you aren't pregnant. While a big deal is made about implantation bleeding in a lot of books and all over the Internet, there are actually very few women that actually report experiencing the phenomenon. This could be because most of us assume that we are just spotting before our period starts or it could just be so little blood that it goes unnoticed.
Implantation bleeding is something that many women assume that they will experience, but generally doctors believe that it is the exception not the rule. Knowing this, you probably shouldn't watch for implantation bleeding. Because you know that it does happen every so often you also do not need to be alarmed if you do experience it!

It's up to you....New York!!!

Pandu will be in New York for the week and I'll be up there for the day...hit me up if you need a T-shirt. HAHAHAHA

P.S. I'll try to post some pictures

Surrogates: Do your homework!

Wouldn't it be great to have a crystal ball and know what your future holds for you and your new potential Intended Parents? Doesn't it all start out like a romance movie? Maybe you hook up with a "dating service" or go on the Internet. You read profiles and letters and finally pick a likely candidate. You might exchange e-mails or talk on the phone. You hear stories of hopes, dreams, complications and confusion. You share your values and lifestyle. And then perhaps a date...lunch? Dinner? ahhhh the glow, the euphoria of finding the "right" match. And then drip drip drop it starts to rain on the parade...just a drizzle at first. Nothing to stop the momentum, you can still see a slice of blue sky, but you get out the umbrella anyway. Perhaps this happens during contract negations. The IP's who were once so grateful for finding you want you to lower your "fee". (by 35% and Hevens! NO! they do not want to use an escrow agent!!) They want you to promise not to work during the pregnancy but they don't want to pay lost wages either. They want you to use your insurance at the infertility clinic so that they don't have to pay for the medications. (Thankfully most clinics won't do this any longer.) They want you to go to California or Illinois for the transfer but don't want to pay child care for YOUR KIDS while you are gone. Hummmmmm If this pattern is starting now, during the contract phase, what's to say that it will be any different when you are pregnant? Maybe its time to rethink this match.

I know of many women who just WANT to be surrogates SO BADLY they are willing to overlook a multitude of red flags. You can say no. You can back that train up and get OFF. Before you commit to medical testing (where the IP's start to spend money on the relationship they are building with you), PLEASE make it clear what YOUR expectations are. If you have an agency, PLEASE have a conversation with them on where you stand on your base fees, benefits, selective reduction, abortion and everything that is near and dear to your heart. PLEASE do your home work! Infertility Answers, LLC - What are the Common Contract Issues?

Sharon
www.InfertilityAnswers.net

I'll House U: Thursday #4 **A TECH HOUSE X-MAS**

Merry Christmas. DJ Holix is serving up some Tech house for ya ear hole!!
Check it out!!!

DJ Thrill

Mind Dimension (Original Mix) - Tiga

Pimp Jackson Talking Now (Double Dutch Bootleg) - Loco Dice

Siren (Original Mix) - Mikey Hook, Rudi Stakker, Morten Timmerman

Spare Good For Me (Original Mix) - Umek

No Chaos, No Pain - D-Nox & Beckers

Dead City (Alex Young Mix) - Johan Ilves

Merry Christmas

This how I start off Christmas every year!!!

Surrogacy: When is there a Conflict of Interest?

What the heck is a "conflict of interest"? Well in the surrogacy world (and in MY opinion) it means a couple of things. Number 1 is when Intended Parents hire an attorney and that attorney ALSO matches them with a surrogate. To make it clear, the attorney is acting as legal council AND surrogacy agency. Well that doesn't seem to be a conflict UNLESS you look at what the attorney is attempting to do. The attorney is taking payment from Intended Parents to match them with one of their potential surrogates (agency fees) and money for drawing up contracts, parentage actions, and escrow accounts (legal fees). Who is left out of this equation? Perhaps the woman acting as surrogate. She has signed on with the attorney's office believing that she will be "protected" legally. That the attorney will be representing HER when often the case is the only people being represented are the ones paying: The Intended Parents. Number 2 is when a surrogate waives her own right to an attorney to save these poor, stressed out Intended Parents from one more bill. (usually $600.00 to $1,000) Then when the surrogate has a question and contacts the IP's attorney for clarification (the only attorney in this case now) she finds that she can't get an answer because there would be a "conflict of interest". So unless she wants to pull money from her own pocket she will not have any legal council at all.

Needless to say all the above can be avoided! Intended Parents and Surrogates, GO WITH AN AGENCY! Yes, IP's pay the agency fee however, most of the time, that fee covers not only the matching but support for ALL parties, relationship management, conflict resolution and so on. Hire a SEPERATE Attorney proficient in ART Law for all the legal matters and a SEPERATE Attorney for contract review for the surrogate. A little more investment saves a lot of headache. Surrogates, INSIST that you have your own legal council. There may be a cap on the amount in your contract but if the worst happens at least you will be affiliated with an attorney that knows your case and your contract. Intended Parents, please do your homework....a "package deal" may not be a deal at all.....

Intended Parents: Go with your gut!

Yes, you read that right...go with your gut, go with your instincts, go with your feelings...Do NOT just push ahead without acknowledging that 'something' has given you pause!

To many Intended Parents, desperate as most are when they reach the decision to move ahead with a surrogacy situation, IGNORE crucial facts and gut feelings that are staring them in the face. They have met their potential surrogate online or through a friend...maybe through an attorneys office or even an agency BUT....its the BUT that needs to be explored. BUT the woman/surrogate is on medicare, But she is 19, But she doesn't have transportation, But her husband, boyfriend, significant other is against the arrangement OR pushing for more money, But she has put ALL her children up for adoption, But she is hard to contact, But she is slow to make appointments...it can go on and on...what is THAT telling YOU? It is telling you, Intended Parent, to move on as well! Surrogacy is not something to jump into, take lightly or think money will solve these issues. Make sure that you have a comfort level that will all involve before you sign that contract. (You ARE going to have a contract, right?!?!?) You will never be 100% comfortable but YOU can be reassured that moving in the same direction with the right person will alleviate most of the"But" factors.

Sharon
http://www.infertilityanswers.net/

Like it was 1980

The "used" Surrogate

I have had the pleasure of working with many couples and singles who were in the process of using a surrogate to complete their family. However nice, fair and even tempered most were there were always the few who actually "used" a surrogate! The expectation that the intended parents had of a woman who agreed to carry a child/children for them was that as long as she was being "paid" by them, she owed them...she owed them her privileged medical information, an accounting of her where-about's, what went on in her bedroom, what she ate, drank and how much she weighed. It didn't matter that a surrogate wasn't paid anything while she (and her family) jumped through the medical testing hoops, the legal expectations or the waiting games (waiting for the egg donor, waiting for a cycle to begin or end, waiting for a vacation to be over.....) A surrogate may get a few dollars when she started her medications and/or for an embryo transfer but until she was actually carrying a child she really wasn't get "paid" anything. And yet the demands can continue for months. Isn't it time that intended parents acknowledged that someone putting their life on hold for others deserves better? Deserves to be treated with respect? Deserves to be put first in matters that directly affect her, the surrogate? I think so...

Sharon
www.InfertilityAnswers.net

Playing GOD

How many times have I heard "you are playing God!" ? Since 1998, too many times to count. The very first time, when the bloom was still on the rose, was in my IP's own home. They had a nanny/housekeeper and she was a much older woman. I was staying there during my first transfer and in conversation she stated that I was playing God. I invited her to elaborate and she sure didn't mince words! Basically if God wanted my IP's to have more children they would get pregnant on their own. If that wasn't a possibility then they should adopt. *I* was preventing them from looking at adoption as an option by offering my body to carry their child. Some child out there would be homeless because of me! Well I was stunned. And it did make me think...but it DID NOT make me change my mind.

So here are my views on the GOD issue. Surrogates are not playing God. Egg Donors are not preventing adoptions from taking place. Reproductive Endocrinologists and Embryologists are NOT pretending to be God (although some may act God-like) We are all using the gifts that God gave us. We are using our brains and our bodies to make and give life. And if you are really REALLY religious then are we not making another follower of God? A Catholic? Baptist? Jew? Methodist? (add your religion here_______!) And What about all the other medical marvels happening in the world? Heart transplants? Kidney donations? Bone marrow donations? How about blood transfusions? Are these not prolonging life, enhancing life? And doesn't a new human being, a very much wanted baby make a life complete for those parents who desire to enhance THEIR own existence? One last thought...would any God really allow anyone to take the credit for our own creation? I think not!

Sharon
http://www.infertilityanswers.net/

Group of the week: Kudu

Kudu is a Electro-rock band out of Brooklyn, NY. I was turned on to this group by a friend of mine from Wesleyan University. They work with M.I.A and Santo Gold on a regular basisis, and from their sound you can tell there are some similarities.
Their music has great vibe, I would love to work on remixing their music...Maybe when I have more time on my hands.
Make sure to pick up their latest album "Death of the Party"!!!!

enjoy:

Black Betty - Kudu

Bar Star - Kudu

V.I.P 80's Party: Preview

Here is a preview I made for the V.I.P 80's party..
I would put it on Youtube but the site is being unfriendly.


See you Tomorrow!!

I'll House U: Thursday #3

Once again DJ Holix is bringing you illist house!!!

Rock To The Beat (Mark Trophy Remix) - Josh The Funky 1

The New Jam (Original Mix) - Hatiras

Let It Insomnia (D.O.N. Tekk Mash Up) - Dirty South Vs Faithless

If You Knew (Original Mix) - Chris Lake Feat Nastala

Land Of Spirits (Original Mix) - Mastiksoul, Nick & Danny Chatelain

Stay (John Dahlback Remix) - Steve Smooth, JJ Flores & Colette

Its Only Nothing feat. Nanchang Nancy - Rene Amesz - Baggi Begovic

V.I.P: 80's Party this Sat!!!!

The V.I.P 80's party is this Saturday. Here are some clips to get you in the mood!!

Micheal Jackson - Beat It
Uploaded by lostinthe80s

Why are surrogates paid more the more surrogacies they have done?

I just had this discussion while I was at the conference regarding why aren't surrogates (and their fees) divided into just two categories; First Timers and Experienced. Women becoming a surrogate for the first time have a lot of research to do plus testing to go through. They often have psychological evaluations, need to be coached through the medical protocol, don't understand the shot regimen or the medications they need to take and are unsure of how the birth will effect them emotionally. In a nut shell, they need more hand holding! (And should have it!)

An experienced Surrogate usually will not need another psychological eval unless something major has changed in her life over the past 2-4 years (Although I often recommend one anyway), she is familiar with the medical expectations even if they have changed because of new technology and she knows how she feels after giving birth to someone else's baby. (which is often a huge plus for Intended Parents who are worried about this very emotional time in the surrogacy relationship.)

So this begs the question of women who have been surrogates three or four + times why their "base" fee is higher then someone who has had one successful surrogacy arrangement and is matched for her 2nd time. What is the difference? Other then the fact that the 'more experienced' surrogate had proven that she can carry multiple times I say that there isn't much of a difference. As a matter of fact, if a surrogate has more then 3 C-sections she is no longer desirable to a number of clinics/RE's because of the many risks of weakening uteruses and scar tissue to name a couple of complications.

I will even put myself out on a limb and state that I feel it would be better for surrogates and IP's alike if there were two levels of Base Fees....One for the first time surrogate and a level for the experienced surrogate. (with and without the insurance element) Remember I am talking base fee....there is still the laundry list of other "benefits" that are individualized to each situation such as lost wages, housekeeping, child care, maternity clothes, travel and invasive procedures to name a few.

Will this, two tiered compensation plan, happen a crossed our great nation? Perhaps, if government regulation steps in. Will Base Fee's be taxed? Will 1099's make for higher base fees because the IP's need to pay even more for a woman to carry their baby? And will there be a tax credit for IP's using surrogate mothers to carry their children? I have no doubt that these questions will be answered in time!



Sharon LaMothe
http://infertilityanswers.net/

Q~Does the blood of the mother run through the baby she is carrying?

A~This is a question that is often asked when the issue of surrogacy is on the table. A Reproductive Endocrinologist once explained it to me very simply, that the fetus makes it's own blood supply. The more technical answer is this: the placenta is the organ that attaches the developing embryo or fetus to the uterus (womb) and is composed of maternal and embryonic tissue, it links the blood supply of the embryo to the blood supply of the mother, allowing the exchange of oxygen, nutrients, and waste products. Please note that the two blood systems are not in direct contact, but are separated by thin membranes, with materials diffusing across from one system to the other. The placenta also produces hormones that maintain and regulate pregnancy. It is shed as part of the afterbirth.

During my first surrogacy, my couple decided to bank the cord blood. I wondered if I could use it if I personally ever needed to and the answer was no because those babies were not related to me. That was enough of an answer for me.

Sharon
www.InfertilityAnswers.net

DJ Thrill: VIDEO 12-12-08

Parts one and two

One:


Two:

Wale HHG Interview

Wale @ Highline ballroom in NYC.


Kid Cudi and Jim Jones Performing "Day N' Nite" @ Highline Ballroom

Winter 08' (1st quarter)

Shirt: Junk De Luxe
Jacket: Hilfiger
Shoes: Diesel
Watch: Burberry
Belt: ASOS
Sunglasses: D&G

CSS @ 9:30 Club 12.20.08

"Cansei de Ser Sexy" or CSS are an awsome Rock/Electronic group out of Brazil. They are playing at the 9:30 club on 12.20.08. I would defiantly be there if I could, but I'm DJing that night. If you're under 18 don't go. Go to the V.I.P 80's party instead! : ) Hahaha

Some sonic love...Enjoy.

Music Is My Hot Hot Sex

Let's Make Love And Listen To Death From Above

DJ Thrill: VIDEO 11-30-08

11-30-08

A little of everything:



Mostly House Music:

Single of the week: Drop

Download Drop

I'll House U: Thursday #2

Get your double dose of House!!


DJ Thrill's Heat:

An orgasm of strings!!
Symphony of Love (Roger Sanchez Mix) - Agent Greg

Whatcha Want (Lissat & Voltaxx Remix) - Eddie Thoneick

Girls (Original Mix) - DJ Rockid

Not a new track but a recent find.
New Jack (Steve Angello Mix) - MBG & SDS

Ready Or Not (Diplo Vs DJ Sega Remix)

Soap (Original Mix) - Shadow Dancer

Underground Feat. MC Roga (Original Mix)



DJ Pandu's Heat:

Autograph (Original Dirty Mix) - Hatiras, MC Flipside

You Lose (Original Mix) - Milton Channels

More Coming soon!!!

Look what I found

The face on this kid is priceless....Anyway,
Here are some Bangers fresh off Internet land!!!


Shook - DJ Fashen

I'm the Ish - DJ Class

Whoever You Like **DJ Thrill Edit** - Lil' Weezy

Green Light (MSTRKRFT)

Can't Believe It Feat. Maggie Horn - Sammy Bananas

A Cross the Universe

Justice's latest album came out on Nov. 24th. I've listened to the CD and it's somewhat similar to what Daft Punk did on the Alive 2007 album.
I haven't got a chance to check out the DVD yet but here's a trailer. It looks pretty intense.

JUSTICE - A CROSS THE UNIVERSE (teaser)
by edbangerrecords

MR. West Speaks

Recently, I stumbled across this press conference with Mr. West. I've been waiting to hear him speak on his album for a while. He talks about his latest album"808's & Heartbreaks", where he's going as an artist, the backlash he has received from some of his fans for changing his creative direction and his life and influences after his mother's death and his break up with his fience. He seems to speak candidly about a lot of issues that many artist would stay clear of. He's absolutely crazy and might come off as an asshole, but he has a lot of things to say about his art. This video is well worth watching.

Single of the week: Brooklyn Go Hard

"Brooklyn, We Go Hard......We Go Hard"
One of the best Hip-Hop tracks I've heard in a minute...the track Samples Santo's hit song "Shove it".

Brooklyn Go Hard

I'll House U: Thursday

For all the house heads!!
DJ Holix are making your Thursday better. enjoy : )

Johnson Junior - In the air (Alex Salvador Sebastien Lintz Big Room Mix)

Roger Sanchez - Bang that Box (Laidback Luke Remix)

Mischa Daniels - Another Place (Maximal D Essed Mix)

Receipt

So Claire is doing a final interactive media project where she is having people upload a picture of themselves with something they purchased recently.
You can upload anything…If it’s funny, that’s even better.
some people uploaded toilet paper and stuff like that. If it’s a big ticket item or an everyday thing it doesn’t matter

If you have a Macbook or a Laptop with a built-in camera it’s super easy….If not you can use a digital camera.

Tell all your friends and get them to upload, the more the better!!

It only takes a sec.

Upload it to:

http://www.receipt3.tk/

Holixxx Live: DJ Thrill Mix 12-1-08

I recorded myself practicing yesterday. let me know what you think? It's not really a mix tape because it was pretty much unplanned, just whatever came to my head. Some of the mixes are kinda sloppy. Hopefully this will hold you guys over until I make a formal mix tape.

Contains

Mash-Ups
a little House
a little Hip-Hop
Some Club
& other random shit.

Holixxx Live DJ Thrill 12-2-08 by djthrill

H&M 2009 Preview

I saw this on Hypebeast.com

The Ikea of the clothing biz strikes again!!! H&M has some Jems for 2009. H&M Proves that you don't have to spend a fortune to buy nicely designed clothes.